Just between you and me, I don’t often just sit around and think. That sounds too much like work. “Anywhoo,” as my Pipestud’s Consignment Shop webmaster Andrew Wohlmuth likes to say, I recently did put my not often worn thinking hat on to see if maybe I could invent something that would be of value to the members of our pipe smoking hobbyists. After much pondering, I did come up with a list of items that I think I could sell for good money, but unfortunately, have no idea of how to actually make and sell these products. If you come up with a plan just let me know and I’ll split the profits with anyone who wants to follow up on any of these brilliant ideas that would certainly keep us in fancy pipes and tobaccos for the rest of our lives.
Here are some things that I would like to see on the market at some point in the near future:
The Warp 10 Mouse – I could easily sell this item to all of my First Responders members who would then be able to load their shopping carts and check out faster than anyone else once I publish the new listings each Saturday morning. No more discovering that you’ve been “robbed” when you are ready to pay for the items in your cart. The clicking speed of your mouse would be ten times the speed of light!
The $100 Pipe Lighter that Actually Works – I don’t know about you, but every time a new pipe lighter hits the market I buy one. They all work great for about ten minutes, then the fuel tank starts to leak, the flame goes into hibernation, the striker and the flint don’t get along, the finish wears off, etc, etc, etc. I’ve got a drawer full of those sucker punching things! Would somebody please invent a lighter that is as faithful as the family dog?
Pipe Smokers Fire Proof Shirt & Britches – I’ve spent a fortune buying handsome shirts and pants to take to my next pipe show only to find out when I get home that they look worse than an old molded bag of Swiss Cheese. I promise you that I try to be careful, but somehow I manage to burn holes in whatever I am wearing and wind up chunking them into the nearest trash can when I get home, and then waste a bunch of good packing material – wadded up newspapers – to put on top of the clothes so that the wife won’t see my sloppiness and waste of good money. Would somebody please invent fire proof shirts and pants to stop the madness?
Heat Proof Tongue Sheath – And while on the subject of heat, just how hard would it be to find a way to cover the tongue while smoking? I’m out in my shop working all day listing tobaccos for my website that make my mouth water. Naturally, that makes me want to load up a pipe and smoke it. So I do. And when I’m at a pipe show everybody in the place invites me to try one of their special blends. So I do. Home or away, I wind up going to bed every night with my tongue in a sling. HELP!
Babe Magnet Pipe Tobacco – This invention would be especially nice for those of us who enjoy Latakia. Instead of having those good looking ladies running for the exit every time you light up your well aged and delicious old Latakia blends, wouldn’t it be nice, if instead, they were fighting over each other to cozy up next to you for a whiff? Of course it would! Would someone please invent a Latakia blend that smelled like Kalvin Klein’s Obsession? Naturally, I don’t want the blend to taste like Obsession, just smell like it. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if your wife was inviting you to spend a spellbinding night in bed with her instead of her telling you to go sleep out in the the barn or garage?
Tooth Mark Proof Titanium Pipe Stem – I don’t know about you, but I can put a tooth mark on Acrylic, Vulcanite, Bone, and even paper mache’ stems. I once had a consignor who sent me a batch of his pipes to sell that had tooth marks all over the place and he didn’t even have any teeth. I think he was from Arkansas. I don’t want anyone from Arkansas to get mad at me but their state is where the toothbrush was invented. How do I know that? Well, if it was invented in any other state it would be called a teethbrush. Anyway, is there somebody out there in cyber-space who can invent a comfortable stem that doesn’t act like those molds that dentists use for impressions of our teeth?
Bowl Cake Remover that works in seconds! – I don’t know about you, but I’ve had to purchase new pipe reamers about once a month for the last 20-years. Not only do my own pipes build up cake quickly, I sell about 40 pipes a week on eBay from consignors. And for many, their idea of a clean bowl is way different than my own. When I get otherwise nice pipes in here to sell and see a cake build-up that would rival the stalagmite at Carlsbad Caverns, I am not happy. Talk about working up a sweat and dulling blades! I’d sure like to treat cake build-up easily by just squirting a bit of Mr. Clean Bowl Cake Remover into the bowl and watch it all fall out. Can anybody out there help me, please?
Spit Wad Pipe Tobacco – Wouldn’t it be great if when you opened a tin of tobacco the leaf would be in perfect little wads so that all you had to do was pull one out and put it in your pipe? Those little wads would be pre-packed just right (not too loose and not too tight). And you could purchase the tins with the gauge on the label. Example; let’s say that you smoke group-4 sized pipes, so the next time you order a tin of G.L. Pease Haddo’s Delight, you just order a 4-gauge tin of the weed. If you’re like that famous guy who smokes gargantuan pipes (Rich Esserman), order the Haddo’s in the 10-gauge size. Simple, right?
Blenders Stamp all tins and bags with date of production – This one would save me untold hours of work. Over the years I have amassed countless files to help me date tins. I often get in tins to sell that the owners say are at least 10-years old but they can’t remember exactly when they purchased them. I have no problem with Pease, McClelland’s and other blenders who date stamp or date code their tins, but as you know, there are plenty of them who don’t. Instead of having to search through my files to check things like changes in the tin labels, weights, sizes, recipe, etc, it sure would be nice to just look at the tin bottom to get the year of make by the date stamp.
Pipe Tamper Necklace – I never lose a pipe (well, there was that one time in Vegas when I had one margarita too many… ), and I never lose a lighter, but I darned sure can lose pipe tampers. Those little buggers can escape with no trace at any time. It doesn’t matter whether I’m toting around an expensive tamper or a ten penny nail, they’ll just flat disappear on me. I’m sure a lot of you suffer the same fate with your tampers. Why can’t someone invent a handsome necklace that will always keep the tamper secure, yet have a little latch of some sort you can clip the tamper on and off of in an instant? I’d sure buy it!
Again, if any of you want to take one of my superb ideas and run with it, feel free to do so. Just remember to split your profits with me!