I sure received a lot of emails from those of you who read and enjoyed my blog of a month or so ago where I let you see my list of all-time greatest pipe tobacco related questions that have been sent to me over the years. And now, I’m following up with my top-10 list of funniest pipe related questions that I’ve ever received. As I’m sure you will agree, many of these questions are so off the wall that it’s hard to believe that they were even asked. I am always happy to respond to questions even if I have no answer myself or can’t find one. In those instances I just cross my fingers and do my best.
Some of these questions and responses have appeared over the years in the NASPC Pipe Collector Magazine, as I have been a regular columnist for that wonderful P&T hobby publication for at least 10-years, so some of those may already be familiar to you. I have listed the ten questions in no particular order and if you find yourself on this list, congratulations!
- Question– I won that Castello Great Line eBay auction from you a couple of days ago. Don’t worry, I’ll get payment to you in a couple of weeks or so. My wife needed some pharmacy stuff which cleaned me out of the cash that I was going to use to pay for the pipe with.
Pipestud – I sell on consignment and would rather not tell the owner of that pipe that he’ll need to wait a few weeks to get his payment because of the winning bidder’s wife’s pharmaceutical needs. I have a great idea! Why don’t you just tell the pharmacist to give you your money back and pay me? You can tell the pharmacist that he’ll get paid in a few weeks.
- Question– Pipestud, I’m the guy who won five of your pipe auctions yesterday and I got my combined invoice. I guess I didn’t realize that I’d spent over $900 for those pipes. Anyway, I have a couple of other pipes I won from other eBay sellers right now and can’t pay all of you as I am a little strapped for cash in my PayPal account. But don’t worry, I’ll get you paid in a couple of weeks.
Pipestud – I don’t want to sound rude, but am not concerned about the other auctions that you have won. How about paying me for the deals you just consummated with me? I’m so greedy I just can’t stand myself.
- Question– I just received the Peterson’s pipe that I won on your eBay site and you sold me a pipe that has obviously already been smoked! It has cake in the bowl and tooth scratching on the stem. Nobody wants to buy an already smoked pipe and I demand an immediate refund!
Pipestud – What part of the item description did you not understand? Was it the part where I listed the pipe as used? Or, maybe it was the part where I said the pipe has been well smoked and retains light tooth marks on the stem? I note that you just joined eBay a month ago and have a feedback rating of (2). Here’s a tip. In the future, reading the seller’s item descriptions should be helpful to you. And for the record, more used pipes are sold on eBay every day than new ones.
- Question– Dear Seller, I bought this pipe a month or so ago but want to return it for a full refund and I am warning you that you will receive NEGATIVE FEEDBACK if you do not agree to do so. I bought this pipe for a friend in Russia and sent the pipe to him at his address in Kazan, but he never received it. Apparently, it was lost in the mail, which is certainly not my fault and you need to make good on the loss.
Pipestud – You must be writing to me from an asylum for the insane. But thanks for the heads up. I forwarded your email to eBay and fortunately, they assure me that any negative feedback you leave will be removed as I am not responsible for your shipping issues. And just a quick question; How’d you manage to get out of your straight jacket to bid on my auction?
- Question– I am going to return this Aldo Velani pipe. I am an expert on this brand and have over 60 of them in my collection. This pipe is an obvious forgery. The writing on the wood, which we in the pipe collecting business call “nomenclature,” has a totally different font style than any of the others. This is just another sad indication of eBay allowing people who have no expertise in what they sell to sell anyway with reckless abandon.
Pipestud – Forgive my ignorance and please return the pipe for your $27.50 refund. I should have known that a pipe that expensive would be a prime target for potential forgeries.
- Question– Pipestud, I am sorry but am going to have to return this Stanwell pipe. I know that you listed the size and weight but you need to be more careful when taking photos. Your pictures made this pipe look a lot bigger than it really is.
Pipestud – Oh sure, just send that pipe back for a full refund. And thanks for the heads up on the photos. It sounds to me like I need to buy a smaller camera. Do you think that will fix my issues with the pictures coming out so big?
- Question– I read in your eBay terms/conditions that people with (0) feedback must email you first before bidding. I was going to email you anyway because I like that Cavicchi Canadian. Rather than payment through PayPal, would you accept a pipe of equal or greater value in trade? I have a rare, unsmoked pipe that my late father owned. I believe it was made by a famous doctor and even has his name stamped on the pipe, Dr. Grabow. I can send you pictures if you want to do the trade.
Pipestud – Sorry for my delayed reply to your email. I had to think long and hard about your trade offer but in the end, have decided to take a pass.
- Question– I have seen many eBay auctions, including some of yours, where pipes are described as “nose warmers.” That style of pipe must be popular and there’s no doubt a good reason that pipe smokers want to keep their noses warm while smoking. Can you tell me what that reason is?
Pipestud – Thanks for your question. I’m really not sure why pipe smokers want to keep their noses warm while smoking. Maybe to prevent the formation of buggers up their snouts that could fall into the bowls?
- Question– Just curious; I see that you have a no questions asked return policy. If I buy an unsmoked pipe from you and smoke it and decide that I don’t want it, can I return it for a full refund, too? I ask because I am thinking about bidding on that new Jeff Gracik pipe of yours that still has a couple of days before the auction ends and the bidding is already over $400. That would be a lot of money to spend on a pipe that I decided didn’t smoke well enough and wanted to return it.
Pipestud – There is a caveat to that policy. If you read further you will note that it has to be returned in the condition you received it in. If you won the Gracik pipe, it would be sent to you unsmoked and would need to be returned to me unsmoked. If you do smoke it and don’t like it you can send it back to me to re-sell as one of my consignments. I love double dipping to make money twice on the same pipe. (-:
- This is not really a question but an occurrence – A few years ago a consignor sent me a very nice Pre-Trans Barlings EXEXEL Billiard pipe to sell. It arrived in a plain brown box and when I opened the box, the pipe was carefully wrapped up in a male Depends diaper! I carefully pulled out the diaper wrapped pipe (I say carefully because I wasn’t sure whether it was a new or “estate” diaper – thank goodness it was new), and found a note. It said the following – “Steve, here is the pipe that I want you to sell for me. I would like for you to return the diaper in this same box and please don’t ask any questions.”
Pipestud – I did as I was asked and sent the diaper back in same box and sure as heck didn’t ask any questions, mainly because I didn’t want to know the answer!
Happy puffing to all,